I wake up to haphazard jazz chords, chaos, and an unwelcome light. I wake with words in my dry mouth but they’re jumbled and deranged and I have no will to organize them, no ability to make sense of them, collect them. They’re reaching out into a void, into a world they know as deaf. They reach into silence and wonder whether anybody can feel them, can hold them. They trail across my keyboard trying to say something specific, without the concept to hold them together. They want to expand. They want to interact. They want significance. They want to live. Forever. They want to relate, but they’ve been sitting in a room stale with cigarette smoke, alone, wondering if they fit into this decay of the soul that our generation has been fermenting. I sit with them, my hands shaking above the keys, wondering what they will say next, wondering if they’ll say anything. Is there anything left to say that hasn’t been said? I’m trapped with them. As if this is the only interaction I’m allotted with a sense of dying humanity. What happens when meaning is proven meaningless? Clearly, if we had discovered the meaning, we would know by now. The fact that it has eluded us is merely an indication of its non-existence. We are simply stasis, a sort of floating, living; with no clear idea as to what that is. Is it so difficult to assume that we are not here for a reason, we are not special, we are not destined and we are not meant. We simply exist, like these meaningless words. Any meaning we give at this point is a direct offering to the future of our species, to a time we won’t even get to be a part of. The only thing that can remember you in the future will be a compilation of historical archives, sitting somewhere that collects dust and dying slowly in memory.
Remember this guy?
Crunchy heartbeats, epiphanic neural sparks, wistful words that fade in and out of consciousness, and melodies that make you fly.
After years of dedicated work, some remix competition wins (here’s my favorite), and a recent successful EP release, my favorite Boulder-based electronic music artist is planning his first full length album release on January 20th, 2015. In the artist’s own words, “I’ve been really wanting to give meaning to my music, and to communicate that meaning and emotion to others, and I feel like I’ve finally found a way to do it. It’s not perfect, but it’s honest, and it’s only just the beginning of what I intend to create.”
I am excited for this debut album for so many reasons. First, the most obvious, because I NEED MORE! The man behind Evoke is one of the most dedicated artists I’ve ever known. This guy doesn’t just make music, he lives and breathes it. Everything he produces is a record of his soul, and you can feel that when you’re listening. Not only does he take the unprecedented approach of working remixes with his own voice, but he develops his own production from scratch – creating much of the sampling with his own hands, instruments and voice. He builds the structure, conjures the sounds, writes the lyrics and puts it all together in a way that is so uniquely Evoke, you would wonder if he created a new genre. There is nothing recycled about this music, it is original in the true meaning of the word. This is art. Whereas I often find myself listening to electronic music for the thrill of a good build up or for a beat to dance to, I listen to Evoke because his music actually makes me feel something. If you want some real feels, I suggest you check out the album teaser below and show your support by pre-ordering the album on bandcamp. To learn a little more about Evoke as an artist, check out the interview I did with him in June, 2014. It’s only a matter of time before this artist blows up. Be in the know now.
Crazy is just a word for nonstandard to shame those who don’t fit into the societal models that make it easier to be profited off of as a minor, unimportant, disposable role in a screenplay written by a “god” you don’t even know. It is a word given to those who reject the idea of sacrificing their own life to a culturally defined idea of sensibility. Good. I shall be crazy. I shall live like every day is my last. I shall caution little to not at all. I shall never fear death, but I shall flirt with it. I shall speak the words I want to speak. I shall scream when I feel like screaming. I shall sing when I feel like singing. I shall dance wherever and whenever the hell I want. I shall run into the rain. I shall travel by the thread of my pockets. I shall love who I want to love. I shall cry for the reasons I want to cry. I shall drive into sunsets that lead into oceans. I shall wake when my body tells me to wake and sleep when it tells me to sleep. I shall dive from hundred foot cliffs and swim in shark infested waters. I shall burn money like tinder and trade in words, music and wisdom. I shall sustain myself on the blood of fallen schools of tyrannical thought. I shall light fires in forests, in city plazas, on skin, in hearts. I shall lay with whom I want to lay and leave when I want to leave. I shall feel soul searing passion; for people, for humanity, for the world, for the universe. I shall embrace the wild depression, the manic anxiety, the blazing fury, the endless and limitless love, that rips its way through my conscious body. I shall leap from planes and crash parties. I shall live as a party that rages against twilight, that rages against the rising sun, that dies when I say it dies. I shall trade my soul for a motorcycle and ride into the horizons of foreign lands. I shall trip through alternate dimensions until reality seems unreal. I shall camp in forests and ride railways to unknown destinations. I shall romp naked through the snow of mountaintops. I shall bathe in waterfalls of tears of joy. I shall rethink the impossible. I shall rename dreams destinations. I shall give breaths to the sunrise. I shall lead my loved ones into the landscape of imagination, revelation, evolution. I shall live. I shall live. I shall live. I shall live. I shall live. I shall live. I shall live. I shall live. I shall live and I shall die with a knife gripped between my teeth and a song in my heart, having no regrets and nothing left undone. I shall have lived fairy tales. I shall have written myths about the woman who used to be. And she shall live on in the lives of every other being she chose to live alongside. And I shall never, never fucking apologize for my insanity. You’ve only got one shot to make it count. You’re with me or you’re already dead.
Still learning how to let go. I’ve got this ache, this – ribcage spreading. I never want to leave and I never want to stay. There is too much sidewalk these feet haven’t touched yet. There is too much world these eyes haven’t absorbed. There is too much experience this body hasn’t held. These hands have touched so many surfaces, held so many moments at their fingertips, made connections and gripped, overflowed with seafoam, run through pine needles, caught raindrops. These hands have held snowflakes for brief half seconds and caught me when I’ve fallen. These hands have caressed and loved. These hands have fought and held on for dear life. These words do so little justice to a life lived – expansive. A body knows. A body feels it – to bone center, marrow deep. This heart has enveloped and closed off. What would it not give to be again – nostalgia. A draw backwards from the center of the chest, tightening and prepared for a snap as the body pulls forward from the navel, desperately trying to take another step. Stasis is discomfort. Emotion lies in the past as thoughts reach for the future, but the body is caught here – wherever and whenever here at any moment of time might signify – I am a divisible creature. Attempting to coagulate, spread thin and separating. Losing bits here and there while collecting detritus, collecting pearls and hording. In this. In these words. It’s all right here. A body open on a table – dissection. Picking at, reviewing and pushing things aside to see effect. She can’t sit still, doctor. She keeps saying death is waiting somewhere and she can’t find him. Her feet keep twitching. And when I went to check on her she was gone. But she left me a love letter.
/a body of feeling/currents rage hot/
/I am an eye bloodshot in salt water and stinging/I am/
/today I beg you to die with me/I want you to lie with me/
/every morning I mention your skin/damp on a spin/
/heads twisted and refused/stale and abused/it sits/
/thoughts stick/did you wake up like that or did I just dream it/
/a killer dealing/caged want/reaction compulsory/
/a pulse I feel/stealing breaths/a fast stop/
/a bigger tear drops/it’s how I felt it/bone deep/
/caught in heat/a haze more heady/action more fitted/
/confused and a little lost/a smile feels unnatural/
/everything feels more/
/I used to be a straw/the last/generations late/
/camel backs and dead pines/mountains I used to call mine/
/stealing metaphors from a Valentine/
/I keep waiting for something to give me a reason to live/
/when the reason is/it just is/life like/
/like life on last legs/I am hunting for something deeply/
/sticky eyelash clumps/sleepy/I opened an extra eye today/
/saw sights sick/stomach melts to thoughts bitter and tame/
/blame is an elusive trigger/in breathing/breath is bigger/
/ceilings loom/building abomination/standing/
/stand for so much or stand for so little but at least stand/
/a body is a sweeping landscape/a sleeping mandate/
/associations run thin/I can no longer hide that I am feeling/
/a body is never still/it rides tides/lunar and light again/
/blood is thicker than water/rain is more abundant/
/I wonder when my time lies/time sits to stave lies/
/this has gone on far too long for sense/qué piensas/
/a thought is bodiless/a touch neither smell nor taste/
/waste/I have woken up alone again/at home again/
/and no home feels quite like this home/no home has/I have no home/
/I build homes for a living/giving/another piece of soul like pennies/
/rust blood/wandering on legs ill fitted for travel/
/too impatient to allow time to unravel/
A street is movement, where people meet. A mass of skin and hair and cloth and purpose. Chaos is necessary for order. Charred feet pit pat atop other charred feet. Air is a viscous grey, swirling and toxic. Breath is toxic. Ashes stick to the insides of lungs, bronchial tubes, coughing is a natural process triggered by unnatural means. Bodies are tired, exhausted things, but they continue a violent dance. The buildings are burning. Supports buckle in integral places. Ceilings fall inwards and walls fall outwards. Exposed coal. Heat wave. The smell of burning flesh is a substance. Pour on more petrol.
Concrete is fully oxidized. It will never burn, but its mechanical strength is lost above a few hundred degrees Fahrenheit, shortly after all the water is baked out of it. Typically, failure of concrete structures due to overheating is caused by the differences in thermal expansion coefficients between concrete and its reinforcing rebar. The rebar ends up shattering the concrete. Ripping loose from intimate contact; rejection. Then the whole structure collapses. Dust. The ash of superfluous material falls slow through the smoke, landing on sweat soaked bodies that roll off of each other, smash into each other, push away from each other.
A white smear on dark skin. Knees buckle under heat and sinewy hands slap street pavement as they catch falls. Vérinage; a quick, symmetrical collapse. And plumes. Running through broken glass, partially softened and black from carbonization. Melting fingerprints. Bodies stretching across baking asphalt. They’ll stand again. They just need some rest.
the pigeons in this city are ballsy
they hardly budge when you walk towards them
if they fly, they fly towards you
is this your world
or is it theirs
ambling like conscious bipeds down the sidewalk
an air of confidence
looking at you as the intruder
as you disrupt their luncheon
the sidewalk belongs to the birds now
they’ve colonized what you thought was yours
and shit on your icons
there’s no place for your feet here
WARNING: This might make you uncomfortable.
I recently, in the last month, began working with primary students at the school that I volunteer at. The first couple days terrified me; I had trouble even making eye contact with the kids. I often just assume I don’t know how to interact with children, but that’s not really the case. It’s that every time I look into their faces – all innocence and pure love, all joy for life and unknowing; I feel this overwhelming sense of sadness, anger, and protectiveness. This is not the sort of “it’s my late 20’s, baby crazy” kind of protectiveness. This is the kind of “please, don’t let anybody fuck this up” kind of protectiveness.
The first time I was ever forced into sexual acts beyond my will I was 6 years old. I do not write about this often, and I never write about it publicly, because the experience has never really stopped hurting. It never stopped humiliating me. It never stopped tainting the way I look at every day life. It never stopped defining a piece of me. Because I wouldn’t let it stop. Because ever since those weekday afternoons throughout kindergarten, life was different for me. I was different then. I understood things about people, about adults, that other people my age didn’t understand, that I wasn’t supposed to understand. My purpose had shifted. This followed me as I grew into the world. I developed a very distinct disconnect between my body, my mind, my soul, and the world. Suddenly my body was an offering that was given up to the world and my mind was mine to reconcile the purpose of this. And my soul, well, my soul was lost somewhere in the process along with my innocence.
I have spent 21 years of my life attempting to reconcile the purpose of this.
In my early 20’s, a small series of events occurred; awakening in the middle of the night to a man uninvited in my room, one of my roommates laughing from the doorway; a night that I have absolutely no memory of, just blood and a burn on my left thigh. It was as though life saw me putting myself together and decided that that was not how it needed me. The disconnect I thought I had been overcoming returned. It was clear that something within me was sacrificial, and that the outside world recognized this. And I was okay with it. The world could have my innocence as long as it gave me something I needed in return – profundity. At times I was even happy, in a sick sense, that these things happened to me; I felt a responsibility for it, righteously warped thoughts that – had any of this happened to somebody else, they would not have had the strength, not the sense to accept. But I did. I do. I can understand all of the terrible bits about this world and still love it. I can experience the worst aspects of humanity and still be absolutely enamored by its possibilities. I can still find beauty in the dirt and ash of bones.
Thoughts of sacrifice took seed in my young mind; I began to go as far as seeking out the corrupt. I obsessed over destruction. I mirrored the world’s chaos. I lost myself in the pit of humanity. It seemed at points that I was never meant to live a pretty life, had even given up on it. My delusion was that, perhaps if I accepted all of the bad in the world, took it all upon myself with purpose, that perhaps nobody else would ever have to experience suffering again. I was constantly testing myself – mentally, emotionally, morally, physically – I tested the limits of my soul and came out in pieces and I came out bleeding and I came out haunted, but I came out, none-the-less, intact. I came out with profound perspective on the state of humanity.
I think I was afraid to be around small children for a long time after that period of my life; afraid that something about my very being might corrupt them, might ruin them. That maybe all of that shit stuck to me like something that wipes off on other people. But the first day I walked into a first grade classroom, half of the class stood up and hugged me. They hugged wherever they could reach me, grasping a leg, my waist, a foot. They did it unprompted. They did it unknowingly. They did it purposelessly. They were just full of such undirected and all encompassing love. I cried. I couldn’t help it. I felt something that was so foreign to me at first that I couldn’t pinpoint it; it appeared as a very personal sadness with unknown origin, but then I realized that it wasn’t that, it wasn’t about me. I cared about these children – without even knowing them, I wanted everything wonderful in life for them. They were beautiful, their innocence was beautiful, and I wanted them to stay that way always. I was terrified, or perhaps enraged at the possibility, that somebody might ruin that; determined that that could not happen. To simply be in such close contact with pure tenderness. This is where the beauty of humanity lay. This is what needed to be nurtured in every soul in the world; a return to innocence.
I no longer hate the exposure that I was presented with too early in life, nor that born upon me later. I haven’t for a while. I do not regret anywhere I have taken myself into the depths of humanity either. Rather, I feel as a born pioneer, who throws themselves into the wild, alone into the perilous world, in order to bring back perspective and lay down profound foundations; to preserve the clarity and distinctions between the morbid and the spirited. Because I know that I can encompass this. These events have shaped me into an interesting specimen of humankind. I can face a horrifying world at will and tell you exactly why this is the most wonderful existence that has ever been and may well ever be. I can show that life doesn’t have to break you. I am not corrupted, I am not broken, and I am still capable of being a source of love – of pure love. And if I am capable of this, then surely everybody is capable of this. And surely, to show people this is not such a bad reason to exist.